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My Reply,  on the same day

Hi Blake,

I read your note with deep sadness. I thought of not responding lest I provoke you even more. But I’ve decided it wasn’t the right thing to do, all things considered. Perhaps some of the provocation came from my outsider comments on developments in your country. I was moved to do that because I trace much of the skills and wisdom I count on from training and treasured relationships there. Too I was moved to do that because my own country often models much from yours.

I deeply regret having provoked you to write as you did Blake. But perhaps it was inevitable, given how divisive the underlying issues have become. I doubt we shall be able to reconcile our views and convictions this side of the grave. Fortunately I will probably have to live with the consequences for just a few more years.

Let me just say this Blake. You are fully entitled to your convictions. And entitled to speak your mind forthrightly. I have always upheld one’s right to choose where to stand on this divide. So, let me say that as much as we disagree, I respect your right to your convictions.

But Blake, I too am entitled to mine. And after all is said and done, convictions are rightly tested by the actions they lead to. You mentioned my sister. You may not know this, but I can say without qualification that as much as we disagreed on these very issues I loved her and her partner Jo, and Helen before her, with all the affection I could muster. I loved her not just with words but with actions right through the very end. And if I may add, I continue to love and respect her memory even now. And I continue to do the same for Jo, for Helen, and so many others who fall on your side of this divide.

Blake, however you choose to relate to me (or not to) in days to come, I want you to know that I’m most grateful for all the help you unselfishly offered and gave me and my family in the brief time we’ve known each other. I can honestly say too that I’ve always felt you came like a breath of fresh air to a family encrusted in decades of traditions and rituals.

I hope you will forgive me for offending you,
I didn’t mean or intend to.

Dennis
Like · Reply · 15 · June 29 at 12:57pm

There are two extreme failures so many fathers fall into. We dealt with the first one in Part 9, the father who is so harsh he causes his son to lose heart and walk away. (Colossians 3:21).

At the other extreme we find Fathers who do not discipline their sons at all. Eli is Scripture’s most glaring example. He exemplifies countless fathers whose homes are burning to the ground even as they watch, then turn away and do nothing.

Want to destroy your son and generations of his own sons after him? Either extreme will do. Although I must say that in our day and time the second is probably the preferred and more popular weapon of choice. And so not surprisingly, this 2^nd extreme too is comprehensively dealt with in both the Old and New Testaments.

This is one of the lessons that jump out from the true to life history told in 1 Kings 12 and 2 Chronicles 9-10. There we find the chilling story surrounding Rehoboam, son and heir of King Solomon. He was a disaster waiting to happen.

Following King David’s pivotal, tumultuous years, his heir Solomon brought Israel to dizzying heights of power and prosperity in the ensuing 40 years. Dignitaries from all over the civilized world came to see and learn from the marvel that Israel had become in those 40 golden years.

Rehoboam inherited that mighty Kingdom. He was handed the fruit of almost 40 crucially formative, kingdom-building years under King David and the next 40 peaceful, phenomenally productive years under his father, King Solomon.

Not many can manage to destroy nearly 80 years of work in just three days. And yet that is precisely what Rehoboam managed to do.  In three days, 10 Tribes who had faithfully served under both David and Solomon broke away. And though Rehoboam managed to hang on to the remaining two, it was downhill from that point on for the divided kingdoms. The ten who broke away were eventually conquered and carried away into captivity by the Assyrians. They are referred to today as the “Lost Tribes”. No one knows where they are.

The wrecking machine Rehoboam became goes back to the utter failure of Solomon to properly father his son. Solomon, the richest, most powerful King Israel has ever had, failed utterly as a father. The wisest man the world had ever seen raised a son who turned out to be one of the greatest fools in all of history.

It seems clear to me that when fathers fail with their sons, those sons instinctively pick up on their fathers’ worst traits. I don’t have chapter and verse for this. But history clearly points there. This world hasn’t yet seen worse mass murderers than Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin. What did the two have in common? They both had terrible, incompetent fathers.

But what was it that Solomon did that was so terrible that it destroyed Rehoboam? There’s probably more, but three things stand out.

First, Solomon was sexually out of control. Rehoboam happily followed suit. In his brief reign, he managed to collect 18 wives, 60 concubines. (2 Chronicles 11:21). Like Father, like son.

Second, Solomon walked away from God. So too did Rehoboam. We are told “he and all Israel with him forsook the law of the Lord”.   (2 Chronicles 12:1). Like Father, like son.

Third, Solomon was a harsh leader. He inflicted forced labor on his people (1 Kings 5:13-18, 9:15). He forced men from the Northern tribes into construction crews so he could turn Jerusalem in the south into the crown jewel of his reign. Solomon’s harshness was like salt in the wound to those tribes.

What about Rehoboam? On the very day Solomon died men from the Northern Tribes presented him an eminently reasonable request.. “please lighten the heavy yoke of hard service of your father and we will serve you”. (2 Chronicles 10:4). His reply?.. “my little finger is thicker than my father’s sexual organ.. he disciplined you with whips, I will discipline you with scorpions”. (2 Chronicles 10:13-15). Is it any wonder those 10 Tribes broke away when they did?

There is no record whatsoever of Solomon ever attempting to mentor Rehoboam. He was too busy running and expanding the Kingdom, too busy with his grandiose building projects, too busy being the erudite, wise King. He was too busy to father his son. This despite David, his father heroically, systematically mentoring him, making up in Solomon for his ghastly record with his other sons.

There’s a companion passage to Colossians 3:21 which we spent time on last time. It deals with this serious problem, this all too prevalent 2^nd extreme fathering error and its tragic consequences. Here is what it says.. “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).

So many of us are doing this very thing today. We need to stop and consider the consequences. We shall certainly reap what we sow. (Galatians 6:7)

There’s a tragic, heartbreaking, true-to-life story in 2 Samuel all fathers ought to burn in their hearts.  It’s painstakingly told over seven long chapters, from chapters 13 to 20.  Because the history is so long and drawn out many read through without the attention it deserves and thereby miss the staggeringly important lessons it brings to us.

It’s the true to life story of Absalom, the one son who came closest to usurping the kingdom from King David.  David is the Bible’s foremost example of failed fathering.  He failed miserably with practically all his children.  But Absalom was the son who grabbed at his heart the most.  His failure with Absalom breaks your heart more than any of the others.

The story starts out with Absalom righteously angered when his sister Tamar is raped by Amnon, his half brother, David’s firstborn. (2 Sam 13:1-23).  Reading between the lines I get the sense David remained passive through all the ensuing scandal.  Absalom sees all that and silently fumes, his rage slowly building up until it’s white hot.  Finally, he is so outraged by David’s inaction, he resorts to taking matters into his own hands, and puts together a plot that leads to the brutal, premeditated murder of Amnon. (2 Sam 13:24-28).  

That was all tragic enough, but what follows even more so.  In the wake of the murder, Absalom flees.  And David’s response?  For three long years, he shuts Absalom completely out of his life, All this notwithstanding, David’s  heart longs to “go out to Absalom” all that time.  Finally, evidently responding to the tugging in his heart David brings Absalom back to Jerusalem.  But even so David refuses to see Absalom. (2 Sam 14:24)

This leads to the most poignant point in the account.  We see Absalom desperately seeking an audience with David only to be rebuffed again and again.  Finally David relents, but only after Absalom resorts to extreme measures, burning Joab’s fields to force the issue. Absalom gets his tearful audience, David even kisses his long estranged son.  (2 Sam 14:28-33)

But it’s all too little, too late, and the story goes rapidly downhill from there.  Absalom hardens his heart and sets out to usurp the kingdom from David.  To do that he takes every opportunity to worm his way into the hearts of the people.  And not surprisingly, he eventually succeeds, forcing David out of Jerusalem, to avert a bloody confrontation.  Euphoric and heady in victory, Absalom flaunts his triumph and his hatred of David by cohabiting with the concubines he left behind in Jerusalem..  “in a tent on the roof, in the sight of all Israel”.  (2 Sam 16:22)

Looking for a surefire way to lose your son’s heart?  Look no further.  David clearly shows us the way.  When your son is feeling out of sorts, aggrieved, desperately in need of a heart to heart father-son talk, ignore him.  Ignore all the signals. Go about your more important affairs, your urgent things to do.  Set him aside.  He’ll eventually get so frustrated maybe you won’t have to deal with the unpleasantness.

And when he goes crazy, steps over the line, punish him the harshest way possible.  Cast him off.  Tell him every which way you can that you’re thoroughly disgusted with him.  Tell him both by words and body language you don’t want to have anything to do with him.

In no uncertain ways, tell him he’s let you down.  Tell him he’s a big disappointment, a serious embarrassment  And most importantly, be sure he knows he’s forfeited any tenderness and affection from you.  This way you know without a shadow of a doubt, he’ll get everything he deserves.

Then brace yourself, watch as the tragedy warned against in Colossians 3:21 plays out before your very eyes.  Colossians 3:21.. “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so they will not lose heart”

LOST HEARTS.. Raising Sons, Part 8

One of the men I’ve discipled for years was serving among the preteens. He loved the ministry but he and his wife had to give it up after a few years. They did because they just couldn’t stand the oppressive sadness that came from hearing kid after kid complain about their parents..

And mostly the gripes came down to this. “They (the parents) say, even teach things, but don’t really do what they teach or say they believe”.

What a tragic commentary on parenting!  I’ll have a few things to say about this and it will probably take several blogs. It is too important to rush through.

Colossians 3:21 says this… “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so they will not lose heart”

It’s really tragic how this unfolds. The results are mostly hidden away until it’s too late and all but irreversible in children unless God mercifully steps in.

Think about this..

A son grows up in a home where Scripture is taught. He goes to church every Sunday with everyone in the family. Maybe he even goes to an excellent Christian School.  And there he’s immersed in a properly biblical worldview.

Growing up he does all the right things, jumps through all the hoops. He get’s straight A’s. He’s a good athlete, a leader. He right at home with all the right Christian buzzwords.  He’s as compliant as they come.  He never shows signs of rebellion.

Then one day, when he can, he walks away from God and never looks back.

This as happening right now in countless Christian homes as I write.

In many western homes it’s accelerated by going off somewhere away to college. The statistics are glaring and alarming; there the kids are walking away in droves from the faith their fathers profess.

For years this has been observed by all the Campus Ministries.. Intervarsity, Campus Crusades, the Navigators.  They have all seen this happening.  In the Navigators where I was active for years, we had studies, camps, retreats, conferences.. programs, and other projects targeted at this.  And yet, it seemed to me we were up against a tide that was sweeping away more than we could rescue.  We were seeing kids fall into this black hole almost at the same time they move away from home.

It happens years later in places like Asia, with closely knit, extended families.  But still and all it comes, usually triggered by financial independence.  It becomes apparent later, when those kids come into their own in good jobs, in Call Centers, in BPO’s etc. etc.

It doesn’t show up earlier here in Asia but here too, it’s a ticking time bomb. Kids that “lose heart” in their formative years will get there, sooner or later.

A New Testament Greek Scholar, TK Abbot paraphrases Colossians 3:21 this way..  “A child frequently irritated by over-severity or injustice, to which he must nevertheless submit, acquires a spirit of sullen resignation. leading to despair”.

I really believe Abbot has put his finger on this problem in more ways than one.  But more on “why? and how so?” next time.

I shared this as a FaceBook Post a while back.  Later it occurred to me that it really belongs in the “Raising Sons Series”. As though to highlight this my daughter’s rueful comment was: “I wonder how my son would do in that test?.. he’ll probably go for the quick marshmallow”.  I probably would have done the same when I was his same age. This is one of those things parents ought to include in their “Must-Do’s to teach their kids early. I’m sure you’ll agree after you read through it.

“Delaying Gratification” is definitely one of those “Do The Hard Thing” lessons you must make sure your kids learn early. For various reasons, most parents don’t intentionally do this. It’s a mistake not to do so. And it may lead your kids into many an avoidable problem later in life.

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DELAYING GRATIFICATION

More than 40 years ago, Walter Mischel, PhD, a psychologist now at Columbia University, explored self-control in children with a simple but effective test.

His experiments using the “marshmallow test,” as it came to be known, laid the groundwork for the modern study of self-control.  Mischel and his colleagues presented a preschooler with a plate of treats such as marshmallows. The child was then told that the researcher had to leave the room for a few minutes, but not before giving the child a simple choice: If the child waited until the researcher returned, she could have two marshmallows. If the child simply couldn’t wait, she could ring a bell and the researcher would come back immediately, but she would only be allowed one marshmallow.

In children, as well as adults, willpower can be thought of as a basic ability to delay gratification. Preschoolers with good self-control sacrifice the immediate pleasure of a chewy marshmallow in order to indulge in two marshmallows at some later point. Ex-smokers forfeit the enjoyment of a cigarette in order to experience good health and avoid an increased risk of lung cancer in the future. Shoppers resist splurging at the mall so they can save for a comfortable retirement. And so on.

The marshmallow experiments eventually led Mischel and his colleagues to develop a framework to explain the human ability to delay gratification. He proposed what he calls a “hot-and-cool” system to explain why willpower succeeds or fails.

The cool system is cognitive in nature. It’s essentially a thinking system, incorporating knowledge about sensations, feelings, actions and goals — reminding yourself, for instance, why you shouldn’t eat the marshmallow. While the cool system is reflective, the hot system is impulsive and emotional. The hot system is responsible for quick, reflexive responses to certain triggers — such as popping the marshmallow into your mouth without considering the long-term implications. If this framework were a cartoon, the cool system would be the angel on your shoulder and the hot system, the devil.

When willpower fails, exposure to a “hot” stimulus essentially overrides the cool system, leading to impulsive actions. Some people, it seems, may be more or less susceptible to hot triggers. And that susceptibility to emotional responses may influence their behavior throughout life, as Mischel discovered when he revisited his marshmallow-test subjects as adolescents.

He found that teenagers who had waited longer for the marshmallows as preschoolers were more likely to score higher on the SAT, and their parents were more likely to rate them as having a greater ability to plan, handle stress, respond to reason, exhibit self- control in frustrating situations and concentrate without becoming distracted.

As it turns out, the marshmallow study didn’t end there.

Recently, B.J. Casey, PhD, of Weill Cornell Medical College, along with Mischel, Yuichi Shoda, PhD, of the University of Washington, and other colleagues tracked down 59 subjects, now in their 40s, who had participated in the marshmallow experiments as children. The researchers tested the subjects’ willpower strength with a laboratory task known to demonstrate self-control in adults.

Amazingly, the subjects’ willpower differences had largely held up over four decades. In general, children who were less successful at resisting the marshmallow all those years ago performed more poorly on the self-control task as adults. An individual’s sensitivity to so-called hot stimuli, it seems, may persist throughout his or her lifetime.

Additionally, Casey and colleagues examined brain activity in some subjects using functional magnetic resonance imaging. When presented with tempting stimuli, individuals with low self-control showed brain patterns that differed from those with high self-control.

The researchers found that the prefrontal cortex (a region that controls executive functions, such as making choices) was more active in subjects with higher self-control. And the ventral striatum (a region thought to process desires and rewards) showed boosted activity in those with lower self-control.

Research has yet to fully explain why some people are more sensitive to emotional triggers and temptations, and whether these patterns might be corrected. However, the recent findings offer an intriguing neurobiological basis for the push and pull of temptation.

FURTHER READING..

Casey, B. J., et al. (2011). Behavioral and neural correlates of delay of gratification 40 years later. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 108(36), 14998–15003.

Metcalfe, J., & Mischel, W. (1999). A hot/cool system analysis of delay of gratification: Dynamics of willpower. Psychological Review, 106(1), 3–19.

Mischel, W., et al. (1989). Delay of gratification in children. Science, 244(4907), 933–938.

Mischel, W., & Ayduk, O. (2004). Willpower in a cognitive-affective processing system: The dynamics of delay of gratification. In R. F. Baumeister & K. D. Vohs (Eds.), Handbook of Self-Regulation: Research, Theory, and Applications. New York, NY: Guildford Press. Nordgren, L., & Chou, E. (2011).

The push and pull of temptation: The bidirectional influence of temptation on self-control. Psychological Science, 22(11), 1386–1390

The hard things, the tough things we go through in our formative years often become our most defining moments.

I wrote this in “Life’s Biggest Conundrum”, in 100 Days in the Waiting Room.. https://dklegs.wordpress.com/2012/09/15/lifes-biggest-conundrum/

“I saw the world collapse around me as a teenager. Got into trouble, expelled from the best high school in the country, ended up in the trough with other troubled youths like me. But that became my defining moment, hurtling me down a path that would take me to heights I wouldn’t have gotten to otherwise.  I got into the wrong course in college. Switched to the right one and had to work double time to catch up for the next couple of years. But that toughened me up, put steel in my gut. And I haven’t been the same since.  A career hiccup and a debilitating disease comes upon my youngest daughter at the same time. But the midlife crisis this triggers leads to yet another defining moment. I find the Lord and get to know Him, hurtling me down paths that continue to rewrite my life to this day”.

In 2006 DOLE reported that about 2.3 million women were holding supervisory positions as against only 1.6 million men. And that the trend has been clearly observable since 2002. An independent research group, reported much the same thing in 2001.

Why so? They said.. in most households, girls are trained to take care of siblings, to do laundry, wash dishes, to clean house, cook, etc. And the boys? They are often assigned fewer responsibilities, like gardening, feeding pets, fetching water, running errands. Too, during the formative years, the boys spend more time with friends. The girls tend to keep to the school-home route, with no other destinations in between.

Not surprising then when females end up more mentally and emotionally prepared for key roles in the workplace.

Listen to a couple of precocious teens, now remarkable young men, who saw this coming.

“Do The Hard Things”, Alex and Brett Harris wrote in “Rebelution Movement”, a website they started as young teens that has more than 40 million page views. They wrote a book that sold 470,000 copies, and were in demand to speak in conference circuits.

“Get up early. Step out of your comfort zone. Do more than what’s required. Find a cause. Be faithful. Go against the crowd”, they said. “The idea of adolescence didn’t exist before the 20th century. The problem isn’t with the word itself—which means “to grow up”—but with the modern understanding of it that encourages young people to remain immature for as long as possible”.

At the height of “Rebelution Movement”, a book under their belts, a booming website, and numerous speaking engagements, they chose to step off of the stage to be the first in their family to attend college.

“We reined back right as everything was peaking”, Brett said. “It was so important for us as 19-year-olds not to accept that we had arrived. Choosing to go to college over continuing to maximize our time in the spotlight was a hard but good decision,” he said.

The Harris Twins, walk their talk. They worked through the summer to finish homeschool high school at 16, then clerked with the Alabama Supreme Court.

“There are so many ways in which doing hard things as a teenager and in college prepared me for what I’m doing today,” said Alex, who is in his last year at Harvard Law School. He is an editor of the prestigious Harvard Law Review and plans to clerk for the 10th Circuit Court of Appeals next.

He says the hard choices weren’t always big ones—opting to read rather than watch TV, to study rather than play video games, to join the debate team rather than the basketball team.

“Doing hard things in one season prepares you to step into the next with momentum and purpose,” Alex said. That’s because rebelling against low expectations and doing hard things is a mindset that grows with you.

Brett spent most of the past two years caring full-time for his wife, Ana, who suffers from Lyme disease. Along with keeping track of doctors’ appointments and medical options, Brett cooks for her, bathes her, carries her up the stairs and, during her sickest months, worked with her through her the panic attacks induced by the bacterial infection in her brain.

Responsibility is a muscle that needs to be worked, Brett said. The exercise started for him with loading the dishwasher as a kindergartener, then being responsible for the family garden and chickens as a middle schooler.

Loving Ana and laying down his life for her is obviously what God wants him to do, Brett said. “What keeps me going is knowing that this is what I’m supposed to be doing. This is not an interruption of God’s plan for my life. This is His plan for my life, at least for a season”. So for now the hardest thing Brett does is being faithful in the daily tasks of bathing his wife or driving her to a doctor’s appointment, rather than pursuing his dream of writing.

At Harvard, Alex also finds faithfulness in small tasks the most difficult. “The things people don’t praise you for, that don’t earn the same level of admiration from your peers, are harder, but those are usually the more important things,” he said.

“I feel like Alex’s and my stories thus far are two different testimonies to the power of doing hard things and rebelling against low expectations as teens,” Brett said. “Alex is demonstrating the incredible momentum that you can have, and the level of competence and character that can be achieved, if you start pursuing them at a young age.” Brett’s life, on the other hand, illustrates the need to do hard things in order to prepare for the brokenness of our world. “We can’t shield our kids from hardship and then release them into a suffering-free existence in adulthood,” he said.

Excerpted from Sarah Eekhoff Zylstra, Christianity Today.

Don’t you shield your son from doing the hard things.

You’re not doing him any favors by doing so.

When my son PD came back to Manila for a visit in 2012 he tagged along when I went to hit a couple of buckets at the Driving Range. I asked him to hit a few.  I was thinking the kid was now almost at middle age and would probably have to shift from tennis to golf in a few more years.

I was delighted to see him hit a series of balls pure, straight all the way out to 160 yards or so with a seven iron. I said hey, you can do this for a living sometime. He just smiled and hit another 5 or so exactly the same way and just as far. And I said.. let’s play a fun round. Who knows you might just decide this is your new game.

I’ll never forget his answer. He said Dad, Golf isn’t my game. I tagged along only because I wanted to spend and enjoy the time with you. And I just said okay and resumed hitting my own balls. Thankfully I had my back to him there in the adjacent stall. He couldn’t see that my eyes had misted up and a tear or two had even run down my left cheek.

Those were precious, unforgettable moments. And they encapsulize so many such times during the years until PD moved to the USA.

Tennis brought us together through those years. I took him to a professional coach one summer break and was delighted to see the little kid hitting balls pure off both sides in just two weeks or so. I was the proudest father around when he started competing and began to climb the ladder in the Age Group Tennis Championships. At the time I was seriously into competitive tennis myself. It was only natural that we would be into each other’s games and spend much time together hitting up and coming to the matches.

Doing fun, enjoyable things together is invaluable to Father and Son. One cannot say this often enough. And there’s only a brief window to do this in. When that window passes, it’s gone and irrecoverable.

Listen to Dwight tell you the same thing below.

DAD, WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT, ANYWAY?

In a few weeks my 30 year old son, who is now married and in business, will travel half way around the world to visit his mother and me.

In a recent e-mail he said, “Dad, when I come out, let’s do some crazy stuff together!”  So I e-mailed him back, “You can count on it!”

You know, I can remember when he was eight or nine and I’d return home from work, exhausted.  He’d greet me at the car,  “Hi Dad!”

“Hi Wes.  Hey, ya wanna go hit some balls an shoot a few hoops?”  “Sure Dad!” …And we’d be off.

Sometimes we’d make up games,  “It’s the World Series! Yankee Stadium!  The Series is tied three each!  Bottom of the 9th!  Tied score!  Two outs!  Bases loaded! The count is 3-2!…Wes Hill is at bat!”

And if we were “competing”, I’d work at losing my fair share.  ‘Cause he was my little buddy, and I didn’t want to hurt him…

Today, it’d be no contest.  Muscular, athletic, youthful — He’d win hands down.  But on his visit out here, we’ll get out on the court once again, and he’ll make sure he loses his fair share.

‘Cause I’m his buddy and he wouldn’t want to hurt me.

Tell me Dad…  Are you taking that eager youth out to hit a few? 

…And shoot some hoops together?

And are you doing it often enough that you’re becoming buddies?

‘Cause, when you’re old…like me, it’s kinda of nice to have your strapping buddy — your son, travel half way around the world to shoot a few hoops with the old man.

“…Anyone who won’t care for his…own family, has no right to say he is a Christian….”   (I Tim. 5:8 – Living)

For years now, I’ve had the privilege of being a part of a prized ministry among Business and Professional Men.

Annually, toward the end of winter, men from all over Asia and the USA would gather in a Lake Tahoe Resort, on the California side.

One of the highlights of that conference was an open time at the end where the men could share whatever was in their hearts.  And over the years I heard story after story of heartbreak, of years with family and loved ones lost.

Some of the men were at the very apex of their careers.. CEO’s, captains of industry. Many came from the biggest Fortune 500 companies. Some had even been featured in Forbes and other similar media.

The thread through their stories was heartfelt anguish and regret. Many said they would gladly give up what they had fought so hard and ruthlessly for, give up accolades and honors earned, if only they could have their kids and families back.

One of the men I served with spent serious money to bring his pre-teen and teenage sons to these conferences year after year, just to hear those stories. When I asked him why, this was his answer.. You cannot pay enough for these real life lessons. These boys will all come into their own with graphic pictures in their hearts of trade-offs that should never have been made, of heartbreak and terrible trouble reaped.

Below you’ll find Dwight thinking back to two vignettes that typify some of those stories.

ON BEING A DAD.  TWO APPROACHES..

Yesterday I had coffee with a dad who excitedly told me his son was flying home  from college that night  to join the family for vacation.  Struck by his sense of anticipation and what obviously was an unusual “bond” between father and son, I quarried him as to  how this friendship “happened.”

He proceeded to relate how every night for 21 years he had put his son to bed, kissing and affirming him, praying with him, and talking things over, etc..  He said if his boy came in late at night, he would make an effort to stay up and meet him at the door, chat with him for a little while before they both retired for the night.

Then, in the morning, he would go into his son’s room and spend a few minutes with him as he started his day.

He said.. “The last 10 minutes of the day and the first 10 minutes in the morning are the most important in raising your kids,” he said with deep conviction.

Today, this young man strongly embraces the family’s values, is doing well in school, and, along with his parents, is a sincere follower of Christ.

As I was thinking about this remarkable father-son relationship, I recalled another conversation I recently had with another Dad, who by contrast was ruing his estranged relationship with his 21 year old son.

Years ago, when his offspring was but a lad, he had “neglected” him for his career. Anguished, he spoke of his son’s intense contempt for him. He added how this young man was now punishing him by pursuing a defiant lifestyle that includes a live-in girlfriend, and a casual approach to work and career, etc., etc.

QUESTION..

As a father, what practical, thought-out, and consistent steps are you taking to insure the fact that you and your children are developing a healthy, inseparable bond?

We often quote Proverbs 22:6 as a guarantee that our children will turn out “right”.

Surely a concerted effort at bonding would help insure the fulfillment of this verse of Scripture.. “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”

Part 3, RAISING YOUR SON

Dwight and I often talked about how sons end up copying even the traits they despise in their Dads. It’s why alcoholism and other addictions often cross generations,

I’ve seen this at work with my son PD. Years ago, we were both intently listening to a conference speaker. We were on the same row of seats but PD was with friends at the other end of the row. I was comfortably reclining in my usual way.. legs extended, feet crossed at the ankles, both arms lazily resting on my tummy and hands clasped together. I almost laughed when I happened to glance in PD’s direction. He was seated exactly the same way!

A few minutes later, off the side of my eye, I caught PD glance my way, then quickly, sheepishly sit up straight before any one else noticed. But all this evidently happened seconds after we we had caught the eye of a photographer covering the conference. The photographer sent me a slice-of-life picture featuring father and son reclining later. Sadly I can’t find the picture now. Pity, it was quite an art shot too.

So you all will have just have to do with my word picture.

But now listen to Dwight solemnly remind us that the forces at work here can also can turn into something really ugly over the years.
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“I’M GONNA LIKE BE JUST LIKE YOU, DAD”

While I was growing up, Dad only showed up once at my school or extra curricular activities. I was in the 8th grade, playing first on a baseball team. There was Dad in the stands! Boy, was I excited! But after the game, his one comment to me was, “You should be pitching, not playing first base. That’s where the leadership is!”

In reflecting back, I am reminded of the lyrics to “Cat’s in the Cradle”:

“A child arrived just the other day. He came to the world in the usual way. But there were planes to catch and bills to pay. He learned to walk while I was away. And he was talkin’ ‘fore I knew it and as he grew he said, ‘I’m gonna be like you, Dad, you know I’m gonna be like you.’

“My child turned ten just the other day. He said, ‘Thanks for the ball, Dad, c’mon let’s play. Can you teach me to throw?’ I said, ‘Not today, I got a lot to do.’ He said, ‘That’s OK.’ And he, he walked away, but his smile never dimmed. He said, ‘I’m gonna be like him, yeah you know I’m gonna be like him.’

“He came from college just the other day, so much like a man I just had to say, ‘Son, I’m proud of you, can you sit for awhile?’ He shook his head and said with a smile, ‘What I’d really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys, see ya later, can I have them please?’

“I’ve long since retired, my son’s moved away. I called him just the other day. I said, ‘I’d like to see you if you don’t mind.’ He said, ‘I’d love to, Dad if I could find the time. You see, the new job’s a hassle and the kids have the flu, but it’s sure nice talkin’ to you, Dad. It’s been sure nice talkin’ to you.’ And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me, he’d grown up just like me. My boy was just like me…’When you comin’ home, son?’ ‘I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then, Dad. You know we’ll have a good time then, then.’”

Last week, after our son called that his wife, Jeanna was having contractions, I drove 9 hours to be there as soon as possible for the birth of their first child. Ruth, away on a trip, flew 3,500 miles to get there. What a joyful time it was, celebrating that remarkable experience with them! After returning home, I received this note from Jeanna,

“Your presence here has been so marvelous for me. Your tenderness, support and prayers mean so much to me. Our little Hayden is so blessed to have you for a grandpa. And I am richly blessed to be your daughter-in-law. Thank you for showing how much you love me. I love you, Jeanna.”

And this message from our son, Wes,

“Dad, it has been very special to have you be part of our Hayden birth experience. It was great that you were here 5 hours after his birth! I love you and admire you so very much…Wes”

I am prompted by the truth of I Timothy 5:8, “If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” The word “provide” conveys the idea of looking out in advance for our progeny. Having regard for them. Caring for them.

QUESTION..

Dad, judging by your current investment in the lives of your clan, are you pleased with the reality that some day they are in fact “gonna be just like you”?

If not, what changes do you plan to make, starting today?