Here’s the 1st sequel to “Raising Your Son.

Dwight’s was clearly on a roll.  He’s collected what’s worked with other Dads and added some of his own.  It reads like a collection of “Best Practices on Raising Boys”.

Use these if it applies.  But more importantly look at the underlying principles and adapt.  Be creative.  And if it works share it with us sometime.

As I write, Ruth and I are visiting our son and daughter-in-law and their two boys, ages 4 months and 2 ½ years. So much of what we taught Wes, is now being passed on to his boys. I am reminded of Proverbs 22:6: “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”

Solomon spoke of the responsibility of the father to teach and train his sons: “My son, pay attention to my wisdom, listen well to my words of insight, that you may maintain discretion and your lips may preserve knowledge.” (Pro. 5:1,2)

 The following ideas may prove helpful in teaching and training your sons

• Listen to him when he talks – all evening if that’s what he wants.
• Teach him the value of wisdom.
• Encourage him to run for student government.
• Teach him that no possession is worth stealing.
• When he’s confounded by a serious problem, encourage him to ask God for help in solving it.
• Condition his use of the car upon his grades. He’ll become an Einstein.
• Remind him to be on time. The world does not operate on teenage time.
• Teach him that the world will judge him by his actions, not his intentions.
• If you go on a business trip, call him. He misses you.
• Show him how to clean his room. Little boys don’t just learn this by osmosis.
• Don’t let him quit out of frustration. He won’t learn anything.
• Teach him to respect authority, but not be in awe of it.
• Teach him there’s no harm in failure, but in the failure to try.
• If his coach is a screamer, find another team. If you’re the coach, retire.
• Teach him to stand up straight.
• Monitor the movies and T. V. he watches. This may mean you have to monitor what you watch too.
• Put a computer in his room. Never a T. V.
• Don’t hold a grudge against him.
• Remember, your primary duty as a father is to develop your son’s spiritual well-being.
• Give your son an allowance based on his age and the chores he performs. Realize he’ll always want more.
• Teach him to treat each day as holy.
• Give him responsibility. It separates boys from men.
• Remind him school isn’t a place for self-expression. It is a place for learning.

It behooves us to keep in mind the fact that the power of our example is our greatest means of teaching and training our progeny: “My son, give me your heart and let your eyes keep to my ways.” (Pro. 23:26)

Note.. +Selected from “Father to Son” by Henry H. Harrison, Jr. Workman Publishing, N. Y.

Recently rediscovered a precious collection of posts on “Raising Your Son” from my late discipler Dwight Hill.  It distills over 60 years of gems from his life on life work with Wes (his son) and gems from his extensive ministry among Fathers in the US, Manila, Singapore, Jakarta and Kuala Lumpur.

I was an eyewitness to what must have been some of the most incredibly difficult interludes between Dwight and Wes.  I saw all this from up close as Dwight was closely discipling me for almost three years from 1983 to early 1986.

These were published over several posts in Dwight’s now iconic site “Facts of the Matter”. I really feel these are now classics that are must-reads for all men “Raising Boys”.

They are specially precious to Fathers now in that critical window, raising sons from years 6 through their teens. But I’ve found that I keep coming back to these even now though my son PD is over 40 and a Dad raising his own son now.

I’ll be publishing these in installments. This is the first of probably 5.

A WORD TO DADS…

Sawyer – my grandson is an original. Carrot red hair. Freckles. Six years old. Lives and breaths race cars. At last count he had about 170 of those small metal replicas you buy at Wal-Mart.

A few weeks ago, he and I bought a soccer ball – kid size – to kick around at the beach. At the check out stand I also purchased a couple of packs of gum, gave him a stick and took out one for myself. “Thanks Papa!” came his response. A couple of minutes down the road I tossed him a second stick. “Papa, you can’t chew two sticks of gum at a time!” “Why not,” I queried? So, we both chomped down on two sticks!

A few minutes later, while still en route, I tossed him a third, then a forth, and a fifth stick. “Hey Sawyer, why don’t we go for the world’s record of five sticks in our mouth?” “Papa!!” And with that we stuffed our chops with the remaining sticks; exhausting our jaws while kicking the soccer ball around.

On our way home in the car, one of the two “world record holders” broke the silence with, “Papa…I love you.” To which the other responded, “I love you too, Sawyer.”

A few days ago, when Sawyer was back at our home visiting, we shattered the world record with 10 sticks each. Our new goal, the next time he’s here, is to go for 15, and another world record!

Now I know that old guys like me are suppose to be serious and all. Titus 2:2 give us the guidelines, “Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and in endurance.” But do we have to be stuffed shirts?

You see, I have a hidden agenda: Eight or ten years from now this freckle-faced carrot top will be a full-blown teenage type. And my guess is that he, like most teens will be testing the boundaries. So I’m preparing now for that day when he will need his fellow gum chewing co-world record holder “Papa” to sit down with him over a Coke and talk things over. It is my intention that the power of our bond will at least equalize the pressure of his peers, as he faces choices about drugs, sex, integrity, life goals, etc., etc.

The other day – my wife and I were with Sawyer and his little sister at the Fair. As we waited to enter, a father took off his hat and slapped his son – a boy about Sawyer’s age – across the head and yelled, “Sit down!! Now!! On the ground!! Sit!!!” You know… I wonder if that Dad ever crawls around on the floor playing race cars with his kid, or breaks world records. I wonder if he is preparing for his son’s teenage years by developing a deep abiding relationship. Doubtful.

So Dad, how are you doing? Are you building the quality of relationships and memories with your kids that will carry the family during those challenging years when they will be thinking and deciding for themselves? When they will be bombarded with unimaginable temptations and choices?

Or are you simply functioning as the in-house shadow of God’s idea of a Father?

“Fathers, don’t exasperate your children by coming down hard on them. Take them by the hand and lead them in the way of the Master.” (Eph. 6:4 – The Message)

Dr John Gottman’s research was the science we cross-referenced in “Forever Yours 2014” . His findings explain the simply and plainly stated precepts given spouses in Ephesians 5. Trust the Scriptures implicitly. Sometimes in our own lifetimes, science catches up and explains what God so profoundly yet succinctly laid down thousands of years earlier. Read it closely. It’ll make your day and warm your hearts.

Science Says Lasting Relationships Come Down To 2 Basic Traits

Science says lasting relationships come down to—you guessed it—kindness and generosity.

Every day in June, the most popular wedding month of the year, about 13,000 American couples will say “I do,” committing to a lifelong relationship that will be full of friendship, joy, and love that will carry them forward to their final days on this earth.

Except, of course, it doesn’t work out that way for most people.The majority of marriages fail, either ending in divorce and separation or devolving into bitterness and dysfunction.Of all the people who get married, only three in ten remain in healthy, happy marriages, as psychologist Ty Tashiro points out in his book “The Science of Happily Ever After,” which was published earlier this year.

Social scientists first started studying marriages by observing them in action in the 1970s in response to a crisis: Married couples were divorcing at unprecedented rates. Worried about the impact these divorces would have on the children of the broken marriages, psychologists decided to cast their scientific net on couples, bringing them into the lab to observe them and determine what the ingredients of a healthy, lasting relationship were.

Was each unhappy family unhappy in its own way, as Tolstoy claimed, or did the miserable marriages all share something toxic in common?

Psychologist John Gottman was one of those researchers. For the past four decades, he has studied thousands of couples in a quest to figure out what makes relationships work. I recently had the chance to interview Gottman and his wife Julie, also a psychologist, in New York City. Together, the renowned experts on marital stability run The Gottman Institute, which is devoted to helping couples build and maintain loving, healthy relationships based on scientific studies.

John Gottman began gathering his most critical findings in 1986, when he set up “The Love Lab” with his colleague Robert Levenson at the University of Washington. Gottman and Levenson brought newlyweds into the lab and watched them interact with each other.

With a team of researchers, they hooked the couples up to electrodes and asked the couples to speak about their relationship, like how they met, a major conflict they were facing together, and a positive memory they had. As they spoke, the electrodes measured the subjects’ blood flow, heart rates, and how much they sweat they produced. Then the researchers sent the couples home and followed up with them six years later to see if they were still together.

From the data they gathered, Gottman separated the couples into two major groups: the masters and the disasters. The masters were still happily together after six years. The disasters had either broken up or were chronically unhappy in their marriages.

When the researchers analyzed the data they gathered on the couples, they saw clear differences between the masters and disasters. The disasters looked calm during the interviews, but their physiology, measured by the electrodes, told a different story. Their heart rates were quick, their sweat glands were active, and their blood flow was fast. Following thousands of couples longitudinally, Gottman found that the more physiologically active the couples were in the lab, the quicker their relationships deteriorated over time.

But what does physiology have to do with anything? The problem was that the disasters showed all the signs of arousal — of being in fight-or-flight mode — in their relationships. Having a conversation sitting next to their spouse was, to their bodies, like facing off with a saber-toothed tiger.

Even when they were talking about pleasant or mundane facets of their relationships, they were prepared to attack and be attacked. This sent their heart rates soaring and made them more aggressive toward each other. For example, each member of a couple could be talking about how their days had gone, and a highly aroused husband might say to his wife, “Why don’t you start talking about your day. It won’t take you very long.”

Flickr/Marg

The masters, by contrast, showed low physiological arousal. They felt calm and connected together, which translated into warm and affectionate behavior, even when they fought. It’s not that the masters had, by default, a better physiological make-up than the disasters; it’s that masters had created a climate of trust and intimacy that made both of them more emotionally and thus physically comfortable.

Gottman wanted to know more about how the masters created that culture of love and intimacy, and how the disasters squashed it. In a follow-up study in 1990, he designed a lab on the University of Washington campus to look like a beautiful bed and breakfast retreat. He invited 130 newlywed couples to spend the day at this retreat and watched them as they did what couples normally do on vacation: cook, clean, listen to music, eat, chat, and hang out. And Gottman made a critical discovery in this study — one that gets at the heart of why some relationships thrive while others languish. Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.”

For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife — a sign of interest or support — hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird. The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that. People who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who didn’t — those who turned away — would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying something like, “Stop interrupting me, I’m reading.”

These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. Only three in ten of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy. The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.

Flickr/Scarleth Marie

By observing these types of interactions, Gottman can predict with up to 94 percent certainty whether couples — straight or gay, rich or poor, childless or not — will be broken up, together and unhappy, or together and happy several years later. Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship. Do they bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility?“

There’s a habit of mind that the masters have,” Gottman explained in an interview, “which is this: they are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully.

Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes.” “It’s not just scanning environment,” chimed in Julie Gottman. “It’s scanning the partner for what the partner is doing right or scanning him for what he’s doing wrong and criticizing versus respecting him and expressing appreciation.”

Contempt, they have found, is the number one factor that tears couples apart. People who are focused on criticizing their partners miss a whopping 50 percent of positive things their partners are doing and they see negativity when it’s not there.  People who give their partner the cold shoulder — deliberately ignoring the partner or responding minimally — damage the relationship by making their partner feel worthless and invisible, as if they’re not there, not valued. And people who treat their partners with contempt and criticize them not only kill the love in the relationship, but they also kill their partner’s ability to fight off viruses and cancers.

Being mean is the death knell of relationships. Kindness, on the other hand, glues couples together. Research independent from theirs has shown that kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated—feel loved. “My bounty is as boundless as the sea,” says Shakespeare’s Juliet. “My love as deep; the more I give to thee, / The more I have, for both are infinite.” That’s how kindness works too: there’s a great deal of evidence showing the more someone receives or witnesses kindness, the more they will be kind themselves, which leads to upward spirals of love and generosity in a relationship.

There are two ways to think about kindness. You can think about it as a fixed trait: either you have it or you don’t. Or you could think of kindness as a muscle. In some people, that muscle is naturally stronger than in others, but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise. Masters tend to think about kindness as a muscle. They know that they have to exercise it to keep it in shape. They know, in other words, that a good relationship requires sustained hard work. “If your partner expresses a need,” explained Julie Gottman, “and you are tired, stressed, or distracted, then the generous spirit comes in when a partner makes a bid, and you still turn toward your partner.” In that moment, the easy response may be to turn away from your partner and focus on your iPad or your book or the television, to mumble “Uh huh” and move on with your life, but neglecting small moments of emotional connection will slowly wear away at your relationship.

Neglect creates distance between partners and breeds resentment in the one who is being ignored. The hardest time to practice kindness is, of course, during a fight—but this is also the most important time to be kind. Letting contempt and aggression spiral out of control during a conflict can inflict irrevocable damage on a relationship.

Flickr/Ian Livesey

“Kindness doesn’t mean that we don’t express our anger,” Julie Gottman explained, “but the kindness informs how we choose to express the anger. You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you’re hurt and angry, and that’s the kinder path.

”John Gottman elaborated on those spears: “Disasters will say things differently in a fight. Disasters will say ‘You’re late. What’s wrong with you? You’re just like your mom.’ Masters will say ‘I feel bad for picking on you about your lateness, and I know it’s not your fault, but it’s really annoying that you’re late again.’”

For the hundreds of thousands of couples getting married each June — and for the millions of couples currently together, married or not — the lesson from the research is clear: If you want to have a stable, healthy relationship, exercise kindness early and often.

When people think about practicing kindness, they often think about small acts of generosity, like buying each other little gifts or giving one another back rubs every now and then. While those are great examples of generosity, kindness can also be built into the very backbone of a relationship through the way partners interact with each other on a day-to-day basis, whether or not there are back rubs and chocolates involved.

One way to practice kindness is by being generous about your partner’s intentions. From the research of the Gottmans, we know that disasters see negativity in their relationship even when it is not there. An angry wife may assume, for example, that when her husband left the toilet seat up, he was deliberately trying to annoy her. But he may have just absent-mindedly forgotten to put the seat down.

Or say a wife is running late to dinner (again), and the husband assumes that she doesn’t value him enough to show up to their date on time after he took the trouble to make a reservation and leave work early so that they could spend a romantic evening together. But it turns out that the wife was running late because she stopped by a store to pick him up a gift for their special night out. Imagine her joining him for dinner, excited to deliver her gift, only to realize that he’s in a sour mood because he misinterpreted what was motivating her behavior.

The ability to interpret your partner’s actions and intentions charitably can soften the sharp edge of conflict. “Even in relationships where people are frustrated, it’s almost always the case that there are positive things going on and people trying to do the right thing,” psychologist Ty Tashiro told me. “A lot of times, a partner is trying to do the right thing even if it’s executed poorly. So appreciate the intent.”

Another powerful kindness strategy revolves around shared joy. One of the telltale signs of the disaster couples Gottman studied was their inability to connect over each other’s good news. When one person in the relationship shared the good news of, say, a promotion at work with excitement, the other would respond with wooden disinterest by checking his watch or shutting the conversation down with a comment like, “That’s nice.” We’ve all heard that partners should be there for each other when the going gets rough. But research shows that being there for each other when things go right is actually more important for relationship quality.

How someone responds to a partner’s good news can have dramatic consequences for the relationship. In one study from 2006, psychological researcher Shelly Gable and her colleagues brought young adult couples into the lab to discuss recent positive events from their lives. They psychologists wanted to know how partners would respond to each other’s good news. They found that, in general, couples responded to each other’s good news in four different ways that they called: passive destructive, active destructive, passive constructive, and active constructive.

Let’s say that one partner had recently received the excellent news that she got into medical school. She would say something like “I got into my top choice med school!” If her partner responded in a passive destructive manner, he would ignore the event. For example, he might say something like: “You wouldn’t believe the great news I got yesterday! I won a free t-shirt!” If her partner responded in a passive constructive way, he would acknowledge the good news, but in a half-hearted, understated way. A typical passive constructive response is saying “That’s great, babe” as he texts his buddy on his phone. In the third kind of response, active destructive, the partner would diminish the good news his partner just got: “Are you sure you can handle all the studying? And what about the cost? Med school is so expensive!” Finally, there’s active constructive responding. If her partner responded in this way, he stopped what he was doing and engaged wholeheartedly with her: “That’s great! Congratulations! When did you find out? Did they call you? What classes will you take first semester?”

Among the four response styles, active constructive responding is the kindest. While the other response styles are joy-killers, active constructive responding allows the partner to savor her joy and gives the couple an opportunity to bond over the good news. In the parlance of the Gottmans, active constructive responding is a way of “turning toward” your partners bid (sharing the good news) rather than “turning away” from it.

Active constructive responding is critical for healthy relationships. In the 2006 study, Gable and her colleagues followed up with the couples two months later to see if they were still together. The psychologists found that the only difference between the couples who were together and those who broke up was active constructive responding. Those who showed genuine interest in their partner’s joys were more likely to be together.

In an earlier study, Gable found that active constructive responding was also associated with higher relationship quality and more intimacy between partners.  There are many reasons why relationships fail, but if you look at what drives the deterioration of many relationships, it’s often a breakdown of kindness. As the normal stresses of a life together pile up—with children, career, friend, in-laws, and other distractions crowding out the time for romance and intimacy—couples may put less effort into their relationship and let the petty grievances they hold against one another tear them apart. In most marriages, levels of satisfaction drop dramatically within the first few years together. But among couples who not only endure, but live happily together for years and years, the spirit of kindness and generosity guides them forward.

Read more:  http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/#ixzz3IoKYqR6B

A little over a month ago, I had a scary episode that landed me in an ICU and two nights in hospital. My trusty neurologist labeled it a micro-stroke brought on by an overload of adrenalin in the brain. She says it means if I’m not careful a full-bore stroke is a real possibility.

In its wake I’ve decided that it was only prudent to step back, refocus, and bear down on where I could make my most meaningful ministry contributions in these later years. And after much prayer it came down into rejuvenating and empowering our Small Groups to be the engines for continuous spiritual growth they were always meant to be.

The Lord quickly led me to this historical passage in Acts.. “They were continually devoting themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone kept feeling a sense of awe; and many wonders and signs were taking place through the apostles. And all those who had believed were together and had all things in common; and they began selling their property and possessions and were sharing them with all, as anyone might have need. Day by day continuing with one mind in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they were taking their meals together with gladness and sincerity of heart”.. (Acts 2:41-46 Nasb)

This says the very first Small Groups settled on four critical “must DO’S”..   (1) apostles’ teaching, (2) fellowship, (3) breaking of bread and (4) prayer” (v42)

Reflecting on this, I thought it wasn’t surprising that these groups devoted themselves to Apostles’ Teaching and prayer. They were, after all Jews from all over (Acts 2:5). They were all steeped in Old Testament teaching and culture. They were all probably extremely curious about all this new teaching, like we all were in the formative phase of our now 30 year experience with groups. And prayer no doubt came naturally to most of them.

But I found the inclusion of “Fellowship” in that list of “Must DO’s” most curious. In most circles today “Fellowship” means little more than social activity.. exchanging “Hi, How are you’s”, and other trivial pleasantries over coffee, doughnuts, cookies..

And that was the problem.. it just didn’t seem logical that “Fellowship” like that should be mentioned in the same breath as the other three critical “Must DO’s”.

It didn’t compute.. It didn’t, unless “Fellowship” then meant something entirely different from what we mean by it today.

I found the key that unlocked this for me in 1 John. “What we have seen and heard we proclaim to you also, so that you too may have fellowship with us; and indeed our fellowship is with the Father, and with His Son Jesus Christ. If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin.. (1 John 1:3, 6-7 (Nasb)

Here’s how that passage in 1 John 1:3, 6-7 reads in the New English Version (NEV). It clearly explains what “Koinonia.. Fellowship” meant then.

”What we have seen and heard we declare to you, so that we together may share in a common life, that life we share with the Father and His Son Jesus Christ. If we claim to be sharing in his life while we walk in the dark, our words and our lives are a lie. But if we walk in the light, as He Himself is in the light, then we share together a common life, and we are being cleansed from every sin by the blood of Jesus, His Son”. (1 John 1:3, 6-7 Nev, emphasis mine.)

This is the most basic meaning of “Koinonia”.. Fellowship”. It means sharing a “Common Life”.

It means living “Life Together”. Those first Christians of Acts 2 were not devoting themselves to social activities. They were devoted to building and deepening their relationships, to sharing the new life God had just gifted them with together. A new life that had come when God’s Spirit had come in and made its home in every single one of them at Pentecost.

You know what? I think 1984, Asian Institute of Management (AIM) and immediately I can visualize how all this played out. I was one of scores of people whose spiritual lives had just been turned upside down. We had all miraculously come awake from the sleep of the spiritually dead. And all around us hearts were coming ablaze as the Spirit of God came home into the God-shaped voids in our hearts.

Makati, the Philippines’ Business Capital,  seemed to be right at the vortex of this spiritual explosion. For months on end people had been coming off work from buildings in the Central Business District straight into Bible Studies at AIM, the Asian Institute of Management.

It was unbelievable.. case rooms filled to overflowing. People didn’t seem to mind; they squeezed in, at times even spilled over and sat in aisles to listen and study together.

And it didn’t stop there. Soon all this spilled over into small intimate discussions shared over meals in cafeterias, in homes with spouses and children, and with extended families. Then it lapped over to close friends, old classmates, even to drivers and domestics.

Hundreds (and eventually thousands) came together and lives began to intersect in fabulous ways. Birthdays became intimate parties among new soul mates. For years weekend retreats in Tagaytay, Baguio and Subic took the place of family vacations.

And even more amazing, traditionally clannish and very guarded people began to open their hearts, even their homes and their wallets to troubled folk they hardly knew.

This is the “Common Life” spoken of in 1 John 1:3, 6-7. And clearly this too was what they all spontaneously began to continually began to devote themselves to in those formative years after Pentecost.

There is a world of difference between this and what we see among many today. There is a world of difference between that intimate life shared and the “Hi, How are you?”, and other trivial pleasantries over coffee, doughnuts, cookies many have settled for these days.

The Apostle Paul bewailed this life shared, then tragically lost among the earliest believers too..  “when you come together.. I hear that divisions exist among you.. there must also be factions” (1 Cor 11:18-19 Nasb)

How did we get here?
How did we come to lose that “Common Life?” we were all called to and had so spontaneously enjoyed?

How do we recover it?

I’ve been revisiting the account of the Twelve Spies God had Moses send out to Canaan, the Promised Land, not too long after the Israelites had finally been liberated from slavery in Egypt. The passage is an old friend. I’d been through it many times in the last 30 years.

The Israelites were almost home, headed for the land of Abraham, the homeland of their dreams. But they had been away 400 years. Understandably, Canaan held as much mystery and fascination to them as it did promise.

The more I reflect on the passage the clearer it gets that this is God’s defining lesson on the “Power of Fear”.

We all know from the Biblical Accounts, ten of the twelve spies came back with a bad report. The report so scared and traumatized the Israelites it cost the nation another 40 years of heartbreak and tragedy.

Those ten brought back a terribly distorted picture. There are giants in the land, Anakim, they said!.. that dreaded, fearsome word synonymous with monstrous, marauding giants.

Moses summarized the effect this had in Deuteronomy.

You grumbled in your tents and said, ‘Because the Lord hates us, He has brought us out of the land of Egypt to deliver us into the hand of the Amorites to destroy us. Where can we go? Our brethren have made our hearts melt, saying, “The people are bigger and taller than we; the cities are large and fortified to heaven. And besides, we saw the sons of the Anakim there (Deut 1:27-28 Nasb)

Remarkably, this all happened at a critical juncture in their history.  God had just given them total victory over their Egyptian oppressors. From up close they had all seen the limitless power of God with their own eyes.

I’m struck by how this all didn’t just come out of nowhere.

God hadn’t thrown this test at them from out of the blue. He wasn’t asking that they simply trust in some mysterious untested power. No, God had been with them through all the plagues in Egypt. He had remained steadfastly at their side and had provided for their every need.

“Anakim, Giants”..

They represent anything that so scare and intimidate us they make us freeze and keep away from those things the Lord calls us to do.

These giants go by different names today..  Fear, Discouragement, Loneliness, Worry, Guilt, Anger, Resentment, Jealousy.  But Fear is right up there, one of the biggest ones

David Jeremiah put this all so well in “Fighting Your Fear, Slaying the Giants in Your Life”. “Just like the Israelites, we all have the past to build on. Thus we too should be able to look back and say.. God has brought us this far, He will bring us home.

Memory and experience should empower us. But we often struggle to do this very thing. The moment’s crisis seems to magnify itself.

The rear view mirror should give us perspective, but we don’t look at the mirror at all, our eyes are frozen by what’s in the headlights”.

The Ten Spies demonstrate this ever so clearly. In their own words, this is what they said.. “The land devours its inhabitants. We were like grasshoppers in our own sight, and so we were in their sight (Numbers 13:32-33 Nasb).

Late in 2012, while caught up in multiple health problems the Lord took me through here. He led me to a passage that puts “Giants and Anakim” in a tremendously interesting light.

Deuteronomy 9:1-3 (Nasb)

“Hear, O Israel! You are crossing over the Jordan today to go in to dispossess nations greater and mightier than you, great cities fortified to heaven, a people great and tall, the sons of the Anakim.’ Know therefore today that it is the Lord your God who is crossing over before you as a consuming fire. He will destroy them and He will subdue them before you, so that you may drive them out and destroy them quickly, just as the Lord has spoken to you”.

I am struck by the unqualified promise.. God leaves no doubt whatsoever as to who will do what.

He will destroy them, He will subdue them.. that you may drive them out and destroy them quickly (v3).

The passage explains why the two other spies, Joshua and Caleb were so different from the other ten.

They used different yardsticks.

“Who would do what” was lost on the 10!

The 10 measured the giants using themselves as their yardstick and scared themselves and the whole nation with them silly.

Joshua and Caleb measured those same giants using God as the yardstick.

Their reaction? God is in this.. let’s do it!

It was this same inspired thought that allowed me to master my fear of dying from Prostate Cancer then. Not only did it dissolve and cast off my fears, it set my heart pumping, my blood racing. I too saw God’s marching orders and couldn’t wait to see what He would do.

I couldn’t wait to see these “Giants, these Anakim” bite the dust, to get what’s coming to them.

I’m just a few days short of turning seventy now.

And it promises to be a birthday unlike any of the others before it.

So much has happened since the one in 2012. I’m amazed by how He’s turned everything I’ve touched since then into spiritual gold.

I really could easily write another book from the end-to-end stories I’ve been privileged to be a part of since then. I could, but I simply hadn’t had time and space to catch my breath, buckle down and do it.

He is truly amazing, a greater giant killer you cannot find.

A few days ago I received heart-breaking, shattering news that someone I cared for deeply was seriously ill. From cryptic notes I’ve gotten since then it seems my friend is in great pain. No doubt the family has now taken steps to alleviate the pain and keep him comfortable. But they’ve evidently decided to now leave things completely in God’s hands.

All this reminded me of some thoughtful moments my friend and I shared almost ten years ago, while stretched out on lounge chairs looking out at the Pacific at Oceanside, on the California Coast Highway. We’d been thinking about days that are now upon both of us.

“I don’t fear dying” he said.. “It’s the passing that gives me pause”. Those thoughtful, even prophetic words, are now so very real to both of us, to my friend even more so in these difficult days.

What does one looking through the haze of pain-filled days hang on to?  Thankfully there are words written into Holy Scripture designed for such days.

One place that stands out is in 1 Samuel 30. There we find David and his men just back from a bone-weary three-day journey. They’re finally home, but only to find out that enemies had raided and burned their homes to the ground. Worse, their wives and children had been taken captive.

And understandably, they all hit rock bottom, David included. We’re told David and the people “lifted their voices and wept until there was no strength in them to weep” (1 Samuel 30:4, Nasb)

And if that weren’t enough, the intolerable stress drove David’s men to mutiny. They openly spoke of stoning David, indirectly blaming him for all that had happened.

Where does one go when faced by terrifying, bewildering days like these? After one has done everything, read all he can read, heard all the empathetic, consoling words offered, where does one go? Where does one go if after all that all you can do is to “weep until there is no strength left to weep”?

There is a place reserved for such a time. One that curiously isn’t talked of all that much.. Hebrews 4, calls it “His Rest”. It’s a place that comes out of Israel’s historical roots, described in words that seem to speak only to Israel then and now. Perhaps that’s why it isn’t dwelt upon all that much in our day.

Hebrews 4:9-11(Nasb)  ⁹ There remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God.. ¹¹ let us be diligent to enter that rest, so that no one will fall, through following the same example of disobedience.

The Hebrews understood these words had their forefathers in mind. They understood how all this “did not profit them,” their forefathers, because they remained enslaved by stress both real and imagined, enslaved by their fears. Stress and fears that eventually shredded whatever nascent faith there was there and exploded into open unbelief.

And yet the invitation remains clear, simple and available to all He counts as His own.. “There remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God”, it says. A rest that needs to be “diligently entered” (v11).

What does that mean? How does one “diligently enter” this rest? This isn’t rocket science. In fact one comes to the gate quite naturally to one who is at the end of his rope, to one left with nothing but “to weep until there is no strength left to weep”.

The next step is simply to leave everything behind. The next step is simply to accept that God is fully in control, that He alone calls the shots. The next step is to rest fully, deliberately.. as deliberately as God rested on that final day when He created all of us, and all that we see around us.

That is the step David came to in 1 Samuel 30:6  At his very wits end, mired in discouragement and stress, “David strengthened himself in the LORD his God.” He took all the load from his own shoulders and placed it on Jehovah’s.

My friend was right there when I got that startling, shocking note days ago. But I have no doubt he’s entered into God’s Rest now, as I write this.

We spoke of this very time, right there on that beautiful beachfront, the cold, freezing wind of the Pacific biting on our cheeks some ten years or so ago.

He was there and knew exactly what he would do. I pray I won’t have to do the same. But if it comes to that I too know what to do.

Rest easy my friend.. I am with you in Spirit and in my prayers.

I was recently watching a Talk Show.  It was quite sober, unlike one of those featuring fast-talking celebrity wanabe’s looking for that one memorable sound bite that would launch them to primetime stardom.

This one had three impressively urbane hosts trading thoughtful views and quips about “Happiness.”

I was particularly drawn to a British writer who said.. “Enduring happiness comes from a positive and joyful mind.  It comes from having experienced authentic love and friendship early in life”.. and then having the results tested by pain in later years.  I found myself listening intently when I heard that he had survived Hodgkin’s Lymphoma in his twenties and clinical depression in his 40’s.

Another impressively well-read host, the oldest of the three, responded by hammering the point down. After a pregnant pause, he quoted Montaigne.. “To be happy is to be pain-free.  And one can gets there by experiencing and surviving real pain”.

Even the earthiest of the three was remarkably quotable.  He said.. “Happiness is earning a thousand dollars more a month than your neighbor.. but no more than a thousand more.  More sends you somewhere else”.

Very impressive.  But all still significantly short of what God has to say to this all-important topic.  Here is how Jesus puts it to us in the Beatitudes..

Matthew 5:2-11 (Nasb)    ² He opened His mouth and began to teach them, saying..

³ “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. ⁴ “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. ⁵ “Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth. ⁶ “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. ⁷ “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. ⁸ “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. ⁹ “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. ¹⁰ Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. ¹¹ “Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me.

In the old days “Blessed” was widely rendered as “Happy.” But in recent days the translation has fallen into disfavor as our world moved more and more toward self-focus and gratification.

Interestingly, the Amplified Bible retains the original rendering..  ³ “Blessed, Happy”… ⁴ “Blessed and enviably happy”.. . ⁵ “Blessed, happy”.. ⁶ “Blessed, fortunate, happy.. etc., etc.

The Bible is quite sure “Happiness” comes from living for God and for others, not for yourself.

It comes, not from self-gratification (v6).  Not from vindication of rights protected or enforced (vv7, 9). 

No, it comes from none of those, rather it comes from steadfastly standing with and for God.. His Righteousness (vv6, 10), His compassion, His Mercy even if underserved (v7). 

It flows from becoming gradually, enigmatically like Him.. sensitive, gentle, humble (vv3-4), unmoved, unfazed even when put to a severe test (vv7, 10).

On April 14, 2013, struck by how I had lived the better part of almost 70 years for myself and that God had seen fit to bring me to my senses with Prostate Cancer, I wrote “Game Over.”  https://dklegs.wordpress.com/2013/04/14/game-over/

I wrote that in celebration of how had God had so forcefully yanked me away from “self-sufficiency” to complete and total trust in Him.  In celebration that though I’m still in the “Waiting Room”  it really doesn’t matter all that much now.

It doesn’t because cured or not, I know without a doubt that my heart and all my remaining days are securely in the Hands of the Unchanging, Omnipotent God who made me, and every single day of my life.

Indeed I stand “Blessed.. Enviably Happy”.  And it’s Happiness only God can give and can never be taken away. 

This is the Introduction to “100 Days In The Waiting Room”, the Book OMF is launching in September.  The journey that led to the book started many days before the unforgettable, continuing 100 Days prefaced there. As traumatic and painful as some of those days have been, they are without a doubt some of my very best and profitable days. 

When I was very young in the faith taking my cue from others, I prayed fervently that my family and I would be spared from trials. After all I reasoned, didn’t Jesus respond to the disciples’ request to teach them to pray by saying.. “Do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from evil?” (Matt 6:13 Nasb).

I know now that Jesus wasn’t referring to trials at all when He said that, that there is a world of difference between temptations and trials.  And indeed one invites trouble by courting temptation, and by foolishly, bull-headedly sinning. But even if we were to steer ourselves completely away from those, I know now that God Himself will deliberately bring one crisis or another into our lives.

This all came into focus recently while I was looking closely into “Defining Moments” in the life of King Hezekiah. I’ve been digging around recorded episodes in his life because of the many parallel object lessons they offer to someone in a life-threatening situation, like me.

2 Chronicles 32:27-31 (Nasb)  ²⁷ Now Hezekiah had immense riches and honor; and he made for himself treasuries for silver, gold, precious stones, spices, shields and all kinds of valuable articles, ²⁸ storehouses also for the produce of grain, wine and oil, pens for all kinds of cattle and sheepfolds for the flocks. ²⁹ He made cities for himself and acquired flocks and herds in abundance, for God had given him very great wealth. ³⁰ It was Hezekiah who stopped the upper outlet of the waters of Gihon and directed them to the west side of the city of David. And Hezekiah prospered in all that he did. ³¹ Even in the matter of the envoys of the rulers of Babylon, who sent to him to inquire of the wonder that had happened in the land, God left him alone only to test him, that He might know all that was in his heart.

I’ve come across here before.  But this last time through, I saw something I hadn’t noticed before.  The crucial thought is this.. “God left him alone only to test him, that He might know all that was in his heart” (v31). 

As I looked into this it seemed to me that the translators of the passage may have missed the point of all this badly.  Note that the pronoun “He” in the 2^nd half of the passage is capitalized.  The translation suggests all this was so “God might know what was in Hezekiah’s heart”.

Hardly. God already knows what is in our hearts.  This clearly says He sends the trial that “we might know all that is in our hearts”.

Seeing this is the key that opens up the passage.

God intentionally sends us tests and trials it says. Even more to the point, the immediate context says trials are calibrated to push us into disengaging our heart from shackles that so easily hold it fast.. shackles of riches and honor, of silver, gold precious stones, all kinds of valuables (v27). Shackles of properties that demand more and more attention and chunks of our souls.. storehouses for grain, wine and oil, pens for all kinds of cattle and sheepfolds (v28). And even more insidious.. fame, reputation, things that make our head swell and destroy us a little at a time inside, where it hurts all the more (vv29-30).

The passage, carefully parsed, says God knows how deadly, even fatal, all these are to our continuing spiritual development.  And it is for this reason He deliberately sends us through severe, even life-threatening tests and trials.

He’s saying we need to stop dead in our tracks, that we need to reevaluate where we’re going before it’s too late. Too, this is saying we need to be jolted, shocked into awareness.  He’s saying that without these test and trials we will probably just ride the slowly building up momentum to quietly slide into deadly worldliness.

That’s where finding out I might have deadly Prostate Cancer found me in Oct. 2012.  It was an unforgettably painful shock.  It changed the direction of the rest of my life.

But I can truthfully say this today.. thank you Lord, for the Cancer.  Without it I would surely have been so much farther along down trails to spiritual drift and decline.

Thank you for sending the grappling hook that rescued me from that.

Thank you for the unexpected “Days That Became Life Itself”.